Sometimes you cross, not out of bravery, but because it's already too late to go back.
don't know why, but i really don't like calling my journal a "blog". maybe because it's been used as more "serious" and "official" word by some people. at least more often than before? idk.
"journal" sounds like something personal.
"blog" sounds like something polished.
whatever bro, i don't care about english much, will keep using "journal" to describe this collection of texts.
every time i want to write about my culture, my thoughts keep coming back to tragedies and depressing aspects. i wonder how it feels to just be happy and feel safe and not grieving when sharing about my homeland
SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!
AuDHD + pattern recognition + languages (music sheets, natural languages, code)
R.E.P.O.
GNOMES, SKULLS, AND BABIES!
john (~ 1hr 10min)
father was right
crafting is healing
Our minds are improvisational. They forget on purpose.
i want to be curious again
ate lohikeitto¹
no longer mentally ill.
¹local variation of it. i mean. people followed the recipe and gave credit to the culture, though they called it kalakeitto, which isn't wrong, but is too vague :D
i guess the trick with traditional dishes is that you can't call a meal you made a "traditional [dish name]" unless it's cooked by someone from that culture.
played the game about abuse... artistic version of it. taken from the dev's personal experience
i still still think about making a game too. but it's a tricky thing. one wrong step, and i'm spiraling into the memories.
i need to add more unreality, metaphors and artistic simplification to some things. but the main, most important parts, should be clear. maybe even unchanged. otherwise there will be no relief or sense.
vague enough to shape the pain into art, but not too much for it to loose form at all.
paralysis
memories
i'm not there anymore, i'm in control now, i'm safe from it now
~ first thought: i want to make/craft it
not
i want to buy it
bro i swear i'm an Amnesia protagonist - i start to slowly go insane (dissociate) if i stay in the dark for too long
danger demands certainty
edit from December 4th:
caught a cold
terrified of being seen in my "weak" state, but nobody's home anyway. i'm safe. i'm in control.
so i've started taking better care of myself than ever: resting, taking my pills on time, eating well (thank gods for instant borshch and peanut butter), drinking plenty of water, and wearing comfortable clothes more often.
pretty sure it isn't genuine self-love, though. i probably just don't want to be vulnerable; i'm irritated by my own dysfunction.
ah, so i just needed to be alone and hit rock bottom to function "properly." makes sense, because i don't know how to live outside of survival mode. safety is suspicious. safety makes you soft.
dissociation has been my tool to survive and one of the most terrifying places to stuck in
truly a wonderful day to be a horse
Queen’s Domain
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I LOVE THIS I NEED TO PLAY THIS DEMO AAAAAA
i know Lunacid is inspired by the King's Field too, but i didn't play it still. idk, maybe i could at least watch some first few hours of gameplay on yt
my best friend doesn't answer. it's been two or three weeks. please, be alive. too much death.
waving to sneek >:)
what to do if you see a fucked up rushist:
-
block
-
report
-
donate to AFU
profit
I WANT TO PLAY A FUCKING BLOODBORNE!!!!! PORT TO FUCKING PC!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR BLOODBORNE DEMAKE!!!!
i will find the demake. i will wait for good people to make an unofficial emulation. i will. just you see.
blacklisted "Christmas" tag everywhere i can, feels better. Різдво is ok, Yule is ok, but Christmas is kinda irritating idk
I still wish Kid-Focused websites were as popular as they were back when I was a kid. I had such a fun time with them and I know that it helped keep kids off of sites that they weren't supposed to be on.
I know there wouldn't be as many kids where they aren't supposed to be on the internet if they were still popular (And they'd still get taught internet safety if those sites still existed and taught internet safety.)
random person: what is your favorite color? :)
my paranoid ideation: why the fuck do you care, you fucking creep? you want me to doxx myself for you or something? first you asking me my favorite color, then what? where i live? give you the key to my home? fucking weirdo.
me: starts to analyze all possible connections between my internet personas, info, cat pfps, usernames, languages used, emails, passwords, old posts, local terms mentioned, photos, art style, writing style...
I can confirm my autism vanishes when i take my septum piercing off
parallel play ^w^
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
voi, voi!
☑ помалювали
☑ цілу годину
☑ з рефами
☑ по сетінґу
☑ відчули (some) artistic fulfillment?!?!?!?!?
було майже тривожно починати. я знаю це відчуття... ніби оцей маленький крок між "сісти малювати" та "почати малювати" такий важкий... ніби переступаю себе...
але я вахуї. будь ласка, майбутні я, робіть це частіше. НЕ ОБОВ'ЯЗКОВО ЦІЛУ ГОДИНУ, кожна хвилина допоможе повернутися.
.｡❅*⋆⍋*∞*｡
𝐭𝐮𝐥𝐠𝐮𝐚 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐡, 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐯𝐢𝐤𝐮𝐮
oma ranta - oma valta. люблю засинати на твоїх колінах The correct amount of AI in my operating system is 0. Biotechben my experience with web became better and healthier after i realized i'd love to make my website as an archive, a shelf, a library. something that will be here for me as long as possible. not a brand, not a portfolio, not a product. just a collection of memories, something to look back on one day, and see how i've changed. together with it. i built a place for me first. and while feedback is pleasant and inspiring, it is optional. guests are lovely and welcome, yet i'm the host. i want to look at it, and think: and if the luck is on my side, then this website will last, and outlast me. матча, шоколадний святий Миколай та трикутник з солодким сиром ^w^ Need for Sleep: Most Wanted Living with AuDHD is having 20 web browser tabs open but some are frozen, some aren’t loading properly, and to top it off, where the heck is the music coming from? Secret ending: if you get killed by a guard after losing a coin flip, you get sent to a secret ending called “The title screen” Yeah I broke off contact with my parents and sometimes I have to tell people and I always hesitate when they ask about what happened for me to do that. Because nine out of ten times they'll downplay whatever I say next, unless I give them a whole list of all the things that happened. And even then, most will happily argue But I'm Sure They Still Loved You. Or that people can change. Sometimes it really does feel like you're not allowed to leave people who treat you badly, because then You suddenly become the bad person instead, because after all You are the one who gave up on the relationship. But in my opinion there's no relationship to begin with, when the other person refuses to change no matter how much their actions keep hurting you. nocturnalExplorer matcha ✅🍵 NONLINEAR DUMP AND #REVISIT дієті що перейшли в форму патрона бо вбили всіх хто поклоняєтся це такий охуєний концепт просто пмздець так подобається ааааа j. про Ancestors Spirit :3 The majority of people making "immoral fictional content" have been victims of those immoral things themselves, and we cannot deny victims their voices just because we find what they're saying unsavory; it is then we feed into the "good/bad victim" mentality, which is only harmful to survivors. Have your discomfort, but when you let personal disgust over things that cause direct harm to zero people (no, being made uncomfortable by a fic you chose to click on is not direct harm and you know that, too) get in the way of how you perceive other individuals' humanity, that does far more harm than good to the people you believe you're protecting. a website to leave behind when I die folkmoss "We've Found a House in the Middle of the Lake" sib you're in Karelia Wretched thief. Thinking of stealing your life back? okay i need to code tomorrow, or else i'm going to fucking explode. how to make it less overwhelming: (10-15 min) decide what part of ideas ist you want to work with (20-25 min) draw the layout on paper first!!! (with descriptions) (10-15 min) think of folder structure and where to put the page(s), and how to make a connections between them (75 min max) set up a timer, code only those pages you decided prior, not everything at once!!! (5-10 min) when timer ends, make a short pause check if you're still on track! aren't you too focused on small details and customization instead of doing a base? otherwise it will be unstable, and you will need to fix it again!!! check if you need to drink, eat or move i'm begging you, future me, do not ignore any steps! T_T🙏 camera switching between ball/dancing, murders and horny/romantic scenes. the same poses, but different circumstances [Vincent, Wilmot] how Vincent changed Wilmot's life (to the worse lmao). [Vincent, Wilmot] scenes from a) Illinary in the process of becoming a vampire b) Illinary after Solstheim c) Illinary later [Illinary, He] Illinary's depressive episode at Solstheim [Illinary, Skaal villagers] scenes of Vincent' execution [Vincent, revolutionists, Wilmot, manor staff] Wilmot's childhood and fleeing their home [Wilmot, Nóra] Vahnakanzu villagers (survivors) after invasion [Talvi, Otto, other villagers, Ancestors Spirit (both parts)] half-comedic scene of Wilmot suffering from rejection [Wilmot, George, Plant, Vincent] Talvi's hunting on imperial army after they left. village in flames > forest > Ancestors Spirit > road > road sign > campfire > freeing the horses > aurora above the forest > monster kinda form > murder [Talvi, soldiers, Ancestors Spirit (death one)] Dear Fellow Traveler (TES AU) Goodbye (modern AU) Come Along (Cosmo) (canon/childhood AU) Hell And You (canon) Not How It's Supposed To End (revolution AU) Running With The Wolves (abyss) That being said, the venn diagram of "ttrpg players" and "monsterfuckers" is pretty much a circle... torture museum... right next to the gift shop! like Obsidian, but FOSS. cheating with MEGA sync instead of native premium sync. whiteboard and canvas look... promising if using correctly. let's see how overwhelming it will be like Trello, but FOSS. quick and simple. embed to other places. public boards and workplaces idk might work! but looks kinda... complex. eh... let's try this one artistic fulfilment don't bother me i'm watching an emotional AMV with my OCs contrabass (I MEAN?!!) flute bass guitar (+) drums (+) saxophone cello classical guitar (+) piano (+) voice lol (+) jazz dungeon synth videogame music dark cabaret musical theatre electro swing SFX / soundscapes / ambience oh fuck... i think i might... actually be into electro-fucking-swing?????????!! відчути себе у своїй голові constant background dissociation I don't see enough people mourning over the slow death of physical media. And I don't just mean TV shows, video games, or movies--which don't even get me started about how we don't really 'own' anything anymore. It includes notes, journals, and letters to one another...so much of our history is lost when we lose a password, a website goes down, a file/hardware is corrupted, or a platform disappears. History that doesn't seem important until you no longer have access to it. Physical media does a lot for memory recall. How many memories will we lose because we don't have something tangible to tie it back to? Something to hold in our hands and stir up those memories we thought were once lost? Sometimes I wonder what the difference between burning a book and losing access to physical media is when someone can pull the plug and remove your access so easily. Sorry for the essay dump, I’m on ritalin OH MY DSFJHKGSDJFHGHJGAGJHSL sorry just-- ну що тут ще сказати йбн блять рсн You are in a restricted area, leave immediately or I throw you into the sensory overload chamber preserve and cherish you know that feeling when you are immensely inspired and every cell in your body tells you that you have to act on it, but you don't know what to do? I feel it burn in my heart as an unwavering inferno when i listen to this yet i still do nothing PBCSandMarci RE: there's a banjo somewhere calling your name, find it and play it, that's the call of musical exploration my friend fiddlerat-n5q ... for reasons i cannot articulate. it holds me tightly. almost crushing my ribs. something twists in my stomach. my eyes are in tears. there's nothing coherent in my mind. only an overwhelming mass of memories with no face. or too many faces? i cannot hear what it says. i have ignored it for too long. i have been hiding for too long. i refused to acknowledge it for too long. now i have no place to hide. i feel claustrophobic inside my own head. it forces me to look. i did this to myself. good things for today: woke up early, lack of nightmares, socialization with good people, matcha, walking around, дивний польський мармелад у вигляді привидів, ярмарка, low temperature bad things for today: blackouts, loud-ass generators outside, too many people important note: being interested in something doesn't make me good at it :Р One of the things I absolutely adore about this game is how just absolutely alive and 'present' the models are, how the mouths, eyes and their heads move and gives all the bits so much life as if they are literally there themselves, physically in the game. I took game design classes in highschool, thats how I got started learning how to make games on a technical level. Youtube tutorials, hanging around other gamedevs, and practice got me the rest of the way. Artistically, it's always an ongoing process of trying to understand what it is I like about art and where my priorities lie as an artist. I've taken a lot of inspiration from a lot of things in my personal life, video games, movies, manga, books etc. It's always good 2 have a healthy art diet and try to consume challenging/inspirational stuff when u can. The brain is influenced a lot easier than we'd like 2 think and its always nice to put the good shit in there. bryce-butcher please walk in your greenhouse. enter. look around. it's yours. it's all yours in your head. you mind is capable of creating locations. please, come back home.
"yep, that's so me."
Enki: (attacks)Masked Man: Ha! I've witnessed horror you couldn't even begin to imagine. You got no chance.Enki: unfortunately for you, [explosive vial].Fear & Hunger
notes archives
Jan 24, 2024: написати кудись що я нещодавно з'їли млини зі згущонкою і це було добреJan 20, 2024: мені так добре що ти є і так хуйово що є яNov 13, 2023: для мене всі дома чужіfeedback
Lunacid
OCs "AMVs" i watch in my head
Let's Kill Tonight (canon)
Used To The Darkness (canon)
Kiss Me You Animal (TES AU)
Far From Home (TES AU)
Window (revolution AU)
Run [Boy] Run (canon)
The Dawn Will Come (abyss)
All 2 You (canon)
Gavity (Vosk) (abyss)
association playlist (without "AMVs")
Tormented Souls 2
tools (testing)
logseq
kanbn
super productivity
my top musical instruments
my top music genres
журба
R.E.P.O.