boreal_thoughts.txt

visual planning / visual thinking

на вулиці три підлітка:

1 до 2го: скажи що якщо він (3) пофарбується в блонд, він буде схожий на пєдіка, так?

2: (щось там каже відповідає, я не почули)

3: та ти просто заздриш що у мене дівчата будуть, і хлопці також

Mighty Nein (98)

spoilers

UK'OTOA IS LIKE A CREEPY EX WHO STALKS YOU AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH WHAT THE FUCCKKKKKK

---

їдуть дві дитини на самокатах

— стоп, а куда ми єдєм?

— ....туда

я

autumn sun, lack of people outside, +8°C, matcha, and i'm no longer mentally ill ^^

for worldbuilding website:

• wiki

• "sources" for it (written or art)

• glossary

• gallery

idk if it'll work...

vibrating exploding shaking

Mighty Nein (97)

spoilers

ESSEK AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA ARE YOU- OH FFUKKKCKKKKKKKKKKKK IT MAKES SENSE BUT AAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKINH ESSSSEEEEKKKKK AAA!!!!!!

YKMET: Strade

aww, what a cute guy! i bet he's so nice-

warning: art with forced self-harm, cuts, blood

okay, not nice. not nice at all.

... i played for about five hours. it was a strange experience: violent and non-consensual, yet i still felt in control because i could always save, load, pick another option, close the game, or even kill the antagonist. it was surreal.

i'm not into erogore, except for consensual knife play, so this game isn't really "for me."

really appreciated the author's warnings and the distinction between BDSM (consensual) and this (non-consensual).

ynyway, i need to get all the endings because i am fucking insane!

this all is too much

A(u)DHD elders, save me

save me, A(u)DHD elders

curiosity is a radical act

ok so... fuck it

small tododo list:

• search advises from people with A(u)DHD, dissociation. choose helpful. write them down

• find right calendar app with time visualization

• write down thoughts dump for all i want and need to do

  • make one-time and long-term categories

  • want/should/must?

  • urgent/important (4 dimensions)

• write journal. as long as you can. please please please. just write until you feel fulfillment and that thing (ykwim)

Kegri Päivä

Kegri (or Kekri) is near. it's not really a day, but a period of time, however i decided to celebrate at November 1st.

our culture is tightly intertwined with animistic beliefs. despite not being a religious person, i find comfort in following our rituals. it has become one of the ways to reconnect. and this year i will celebrate Kegri Day.

looking for materials to craft a mask. i want it to have a strange form and sharp edges, be flawed, but real and genuine. not cheap, not quickly glued together, not anxiously half-made to be something perfect. it should have weight. would want to meet my ancestors with a lovingly crafted mask, after all.

it could be a day to live through my grief. honoring the dead by recollecting all memories of them. mourning every loss: execution. starvation. illness. and peaceful natural death, too.

the knowledge they kept, and the guidance they could offer... how precious it was?

as long as you're alive, nothing is ever truly lost.

depressing aspects

there are so many things i want to do, to say, to share, to show, but i simply can't. my hands are tied by the danger to myself and to people i care about. being indigenous is not safe. i envy allies. and to be honest - i will avoid halloween this year.

x is bad for me, bsky is bad for me, youtube is bad for me, lichess is bad for me. working is good for me (actually), singing is good for me, gardening is good for me, cooking is good for me, sleeping is good for me. i feel horrible. i've let stress turn me into a caricature of myself

---

bert

hmmm... maybe i could... just write down what's good and bad for me... as simple as that

my brain is unable to function, and i don't know

1. what to share

2. do i even want to share

3. collect my thoughts (i can't even write in my journal and being present)

so (ó﹏ò｡)

too many thoughts, places, items, information

this better be Dagoth Ur'gent

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and now...

1. blackouts

2. air raid alerts

3. blackouts + air raid alerts at the same time

it disrupts any attempts to make a plan

i'm swinging like a crazy

moving from my room, to the corridor, and back

focusing is worse than before

i can't keep my thoughts together

they keep running away in different directions

i have so many things i want to do

and my condition is stagnant. always "feeling bad, but manageable"

it's been like this for a few years

people calling my culture "viking", "russian" or "finnish" should eat some dirt

you don't have to forgive anyone in order to heal.

i always wonder how much worse it could be

what could be worse than the ultimate humanity's act of cruelty: genocide

what could be worse to experience

what could be worse than... to survive

---

what should i even do with this knowledge

how the fuck do i process this fact

how can i wrap my head around it

---

i stare at this bleeding wound and can't do anything but witness

"execution"

"mass graves"

"missing person"

i don't understand

okay i'm probably falling apart

everything feels wrong but i'm glad i don't ignore it

when i'm falling apart

when i don't know if i want to write

i don't share

i step back

take paper instead

sometimes it's only for me and no one else

it does get stagnant too

sleep deprivation russian (ew) roulette: insane inspiration edition

... now i'm going to sleep

кус-кус, м'ясо з овочами, свічки, аніме ^^

"it's you. you look good." moment again ^^

mods, GTA, RDR2

hell yeah, new Blurb's video!!!!

and (bad) ideas for GTA mods from comments:

Mod idea for GTA5: At unpredictable intervals, the player is interrupted by an in-game TTS call from a twitch chatter.

Doesn't matter if there is a full-on gun fight or even a cutscene, the player has to pick up the phone.

For GTA, and IRS tax assessor spawns randomly on the map and hunts you down to take all of your money

GTA5 Mod idea: Your phone calls are portrayed in the style of "Metal Gear Solid"s codec calls.

Mod: you can't throw grenades. You have to "Golf" them.

1. dissociation

2. sexy mode

3. does anyone even care about me

4. i should erase any evidence of my existence

source: ancestors' wisdom

please walk in your greenhouse. enter. look around. it's yours. it's all yours in your head. you mind is capable of creating locations. please, come back home.

tender and fragile and strange and alive

observation: (soft, warm) candle light makes me sleep better; less claustrophobic; more emotionally comfortable;

i even... had a good morning recently. gods.

maybe lucid dreams were a symptom

but i miss them anyway

please let me in again